November 25, 2024

By Amanda Packard, Ed.D., Associate Head of School

Your child bravely set off to boarding school this September, and as the excitement of the first few weeks settles, some challenges may emerge. It’s perfectly normal - almost every residential student experiences some adjustment struggles, especially in their first year. At great boarding schools, the staff is ready to partner with you every step of the way, supporting your child as they navigate these changes. Here are a few practical tips to help address specific challenges they may be facing:

1. Missing Home

Your student is saying “I don’t want to be here, I want to come home!”. Sometimes this means, “I miss you or home cooking, my bed, my friends, my culture”. Sometimes this means, “I am scared, I am going to fail, I don't understand the rules yet, it's hard to make new friends”.

Most students experience at least one period of intense homesickness. Some students may need a few days after every holiday to readjust to school. Schools are used to helping students adjust. Parents can support their child by speaking to them once or twice a week. Daily phone calls keep a student tied to what they are missing at home and does not help them adjust to school life. When you do speak, allow your student to experience their feelings while encouraging them to remember the reasons why they chose the school, and all the wonderful experiences ahead. Help your student feel at home by allowing them to acquire decor that makes their dorm room feel homey.

2. Struggling With Independence

Is your student always late to class, forgets to turn in their homework, stays up past lights-out, or gets into trouble for not following the rules? First, express your confidence in your child and their ability to learn to manage themselves. Your belief in them will go a long way in reassuring them that independence skills can be learned. In addition, review the student handbook with your child to make sure they understand the rules. Engage in discussions with your student about how to scaffold their success. For example, if getting ready in the morning is a challenge, send your child an alarm clock or collaboratively develop a checklist for what can be done the night before to get ready for the day.

3. Struggles with Roommates and Friends

Living with someone else is hard. It may be the first time that your child has had a roommate. Learning to navigate shared space can be challenging. It's not unusual to hear “a roomate has “taken” something from me“, when an item has really just been borrowed or misplaced. Listen to your child's concerns but move them towards what they can do to help solve the problem. Help your child find common ground with the roommate, and occasionally include the roommate in outings or ask your child to share treat packages sent from home. Remind them that having a good roommate is not about having a “best friend” but having someone you can live with respectfully.

4. Learning Self-Care

Is your student reporting they are only eating white rice at meals? When you zoom with your child do they look like they need to shower? Are their hair/nails getting long? Do their clothes still fit? Are they tired all the time? Your child is learning how to take care of themselves and there are going to be a few bumps in the road. When you are not sure if your child is managing their age-appropriate self-care, reach out with concerns to the residential life staff, so they can keep an extra eye on your child.

If meals are a challenge, perhaps your child is ordering snacks or fast food delivered to the dorm and then isn’t hungry for the healthy, nutritionist-planned food provided in the dining hall. Parents can help by monitoring spending and encouraging their child to try two new or unfamiliar foods at each meal. At our school, we call this taking a “thank you taste”.

For showering, let the residential life team know and ask them to help set a schedule for your child.  For fatigue, try to determine if a student is staying up past ‘lights-out’. Growing adolescents need a lot of sleep, especially as they adjust to a new residential school. While coaching your student to make sure they get the rest they need, enlist your residential-life team in doing some random, late-night checks as well. If your school does not have technology rules you may want to help your child make good choices and put away or block the technology so they can sleep. During vacations, take the opportunity to check clothes and shoes to make sure they still fit, and haven’t been outgrown!

5. Building Resilience

All students living away from home experience difficulties of one kind or another. This is one of the main advantages of boarding school: students gain self-confidence that comes from living competently within the school environment. This sets them up to be successful in college, and in life. Parents can help a student who might be feeling frustrated, or sad, by first helping them think about their difficulties metacognitively. We often ask students to frame their difficulties by asking: is this a problem you will remember in an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, or forever? Ask your child to share how they plan to solve the problem. You don’t have to agree with their problem-solving plans – even if it isn’t perfect, the act of problem-solving builds resilience and confidence!

6. Fitting Into the Community

Every community has its unwritten expectations and ethos. If your student is feeling disconnected, ask them what sports or clubs they are signed up for. If they are minimally involved, this is a time to coach your child to pick something new to try. If your student has a societal issue or cause they are interested in, help them create opportunities to pursue this interest, and involve others. Schools are often responsive to clubs or groups your child may want to form. If your child is interested in something they do not offer, have them speak up or drop a note to the academic dean. We have had several clubs and activities start thanks to students who took the initiative in creating them!

7. Staying Connected

With today’s technology, parents can easily connect with their child at boarding school every day, but sometimes this level of contact can feel overwhelming for both. Parents should be cautious about “interviewing for pain” when speaking with their child. It’s natural to worry about your child, and as a parent, the way you communicate can greatly shape your child’s overall mood and perspective. For example, you might know your student is struggling with their roommate and you want to ask “is your roommate still ignoring you, or being mean to you?’ Instead, ask “what did you do for fun or to relax in the dorm last night?” While the first question focuses on the challenge, the second focuses on your child’s ability to successfully navigate the situation. Students will want to vent with their parents, and parents should know that often after a student verbally processes their concerns, most times, they simply move on. This can be unnerving to parents who are the recipients of these concerns! If parents remain worried about their child after the call home, they should wait a day or two to see if it blows over. If it does not, reach out and schedule a Zoom meeting with the residential life team who can assist in problem-solving.

8. Nurturing Growth Through Partnership

A boarding student in middle or secondary school is still a child, and needs both their parents and the school to support their development. While every student experiences some challenges at boarding school, these experiences are essential steps in preparing them for college and ultimately, adult life. By anticipating these challenges and being prepared to collaborate with both their child and the school, parents are in a unique and powerful position to support exponential social and emotional growth during this formative time.